Continuation...
Liwanag sa Dilim (Part 2)

June19* The day went pretty fine. UP life is still exciting and scary at the same time. Im nearly done with the entire enrolment, assessment and add MATs process. All I need to do was find my Spanish 10 professor then I can pay the extra fees and Im done. But guess what, pabalik-balik na kami nila Anna at Raffy sa FC, nakakain na kami ng lunch pati merienda at naka-attend na kami sa lahat ng mga class namin, pero wala pa rin siya sa office niya. So another day went and for some unlucky reasons perhaps, Im still not settled with this whole thing.

June 20* Somebody must congratulate me. Yes, Im done!!! After all those stress manual enlistment and enrolment brought me, Anna and I could actually kiss the floor after the cashier handed us both our receipts.

This is the life.

Thanks be to God.

Mom, I miss you more each day.
I wish that we will be together sooner.
Aki and Yuji, you two are in my heart now and always.

Old Posts

June 9, 2006
The Hardest Day

Yesterday and today were two of the most horrible days of my life.
The sight of my mother packing up is just plain torture.
I actually wished to vanish at that
moment.

Though this scenario has been going on for the past years, this time was the hardest. I wanted them to stay for good but some things are not fixed yet so they cannot do that now. It really breaks my heart you know, especially now that I was really attached to them.

Honestly, there were things that up to now, no matter how I try to understand, I still dont get why it has to happen. Why could the good things you asked for were not always given to you? How could that happen when you wish for nothing but to be happy?

I ve got questions. A lot of them.
But sometimes, I just try to ignore them because whenever I start to ponder about them, I start to depress myself, too.

The airport, yes, is another torture. It let you see for yourself that your loved ones, bound to somewhere, are actually moving away from you. And it adds to the pain that you, on other hand cant do anything to make them stay.

Im a big baby.
For being so sad, for crying and for thinking that this is the worst.

But no one can blame me.
I mean, I just happen to love my mother and siblings a lot.

June 15, 2006
Liwanag sa Dilim(Part 1)

I have not yet recovered from my mother s disappearance and when I am faced with another nightmare I hate to face—Enrolment and manual enlistment.

Actually, the enrolment process started last week. However, last June 7, I, together with my Mom, Grandma, Aki and Yuji, went there, we found out that I cant enlist yet for the subjects I wish to have but failed to get on the CRS (darn, CRS.) Tri-Coll kasi.

The CRS result shocked me. At first I got 5 out of 7 subjects that I enlisted. But to my astonishment, the final processing just gave me 3 subjects. This only meant two things: 1.) I need to get those other subjects manually (which include all that long lines and killing each other to get a slot) and 2.) I was pretty unlucky.

JUNE 08* By 7:30 in the morning, I was already in UP. I first went to get a slot in Geol1 and after lining up (where I met Bianca) for about an hour, I found out that out of 47 students bagging to get a slot, only two slots will be given. So I’m off. I tried my luck and went to MS but unfortunately, all MS1 sections are already closed. I was still full of hope so I went the other way and tried to get a slot in Envi Sci but to my dismay, no slot was given to anyone. God, I never thought that it would be that difficult. Yep, I certainly have heard before that manual enlisting could really be a big pain but I never thought that it would be like this. By 1:30, I still got those 3 subjects on my Form5A. I couldn’t enroll yet because I was still under load. I tried getting Socio10 but failed again. So, I started looking for available subjects again. Then, I saw some of the Cool Gang and we talked for a while and after much deliberation, we decided to enlist in a foreign language course and a higher elective for it will be credited just the same. Doing this will enable most of us to finally enroll. God pitied us. We were able to get a slot in some language course-sections. Reyks, Jo and I got Spanish 10, while Brin and Maia got Russian 10. We were also able to get a higher Anthropology class so by the time we’re done on the enlistment, we thought we could actually enroll. But we were too excited. During the post-advising process done on our college, our adviser didn’t allow us to take a higher elective as a subject. Out of the curriculum daw. Our adviser nevertheless asked us to cancel that subject. That meant by the end of day, I, tired and almost dead, was still under load and unable to enroll. Sheesh.

JUNE 09* Straight from the airport where right in front of me, my loved ones disappear, we went to UP. Di ba torture talaga? Instead of going home from a painful day, here I am, kailangan pang pumila ng pagkahaba-haba para makakuha ng subjects at mag-enrol. Actually, we were at UP so early. So I waited for a while and at 8:30, I was ready for another battle. There were still a lot of students hurrying on their way around to complete their respective required units to finally enroll. I checked out the assigned rooms for Sociology subjects and other possible SSP subjects to try my luck. But darn, wala pa ring slots. After an hour, for the last chance, I tried getting a 4-unit subject to get through the entire enrolment process. And thanks be to God. He really loves me. I got that subject. So after the pre-advising, post-advising, checking, assessment of fees and finally, paying the fees, I was finally enrolled. Hallelujah.

But on the second thought, I shouldnt be that happy.
I still need to face another nightmare: Late registration and pre-rogs.
And, before I forget, getting a PE is hopeless.

Life.

*this has nothing to do with the whole enrolment process but really matters in my life, Happy birthday to two important persons in my life: Tito Ogie ( June 10) and my hip grandmother (June 11). May the good Lord continue to bless you both. I love you!

JUNE 13* Today is the first day of class. I arrived in UP at around 7:15 in the morning with this calm expression on my face, knowing that Im early enough two get a slot in two MST and one SSP subjects plus, a PE. I didn’t know that I was wrong. Before I can utter a word to those RAs assigned to each subject, they will give me this sad look and say: Naku, wala ng slot. Every single GE course in the entire UP Diliman was almost taken. Some subjects offered some slots. Mga 3 slots at pag-aagawan ng mga 50 students. It was annoying. All students were like hungry dogs begging for scraps of food. Ultimately pathetic. From 8:30 am to 4:00 pm, Anna (new MP4, with that La Isla Bonita video), Raffy (who kept saying, beggars cant be choosers), Brin (who nearly convinced me to take up STS) and I went to and fro AS, CS, NIGS, MSI and Villadolid Hall in search for just even one slot. By five o clock, Anna got a Geol1 slot (done through lot drawing), Raffy got Art Stud1, Brin and I got nothing. Sweet.

JUNE 15* I attended Geography 1. The professor is good and young. She seems fun, too. Then next, I went to FC 1088 where I will have my English 11 class and believe me, the moment we met the professor and she started talking, my classmates and I are shaking. Yes, she is kind of scary. Anyway, after that class, Raffy and I begun our quest for two more subjects. My feet actually felt like swelling. From too much walking, I guess. But although both Raf and I were tired and hungry and almost drained, we still continue to search for possible and subjects. Then, we passed by the MSI building and for the last time, asked the security guard if by any chance there is a new MS1 section. And guess what? There is! You should have seen the look on my face when I found out. However, the offered section is at the same time of my Geography1. The two subjects will conflict. I mean, I cant attend two subjects at the same time. But I was desperate to get an MST subject. Even just one. So, I had no choice but to gamble. Enlist on that MS1 subject, look for another Geography 1 section with a different time slot, if there still any, and cancel the other one. We went next to the Villadolid Hall to look for another newly opened section and the next miracle happened. I was able to enlist myself in Environmental Science 1 and now have two MSTs. Just that Geography1 thing and everything will be fine.

It was already 5:30 pm so Raf and I have to call it a day and together, we went home.

JUNE 16* Friday. I attended Spanish 10 and I must say that the professor is good. Si, she is. She made it clear that learning Spanish will be fun and easy. It breaks my heart that I have to cancel this subject. If it were not for those precious MST subjects talaga. Dang. The next class is T120, Im actually forced to get this one. But I guess, I will kind of like it because not only it will be credited next year, but it also happened that this subject is the only subject Im with some of the Cool Gang. My last class is Communication Skills 3 and wow, it was really good and fun. The professor’s really cool. She’s like Professor Yap’s older version. I’m really thankful that the subject was interesting. A good way to end the day.

I could almost feel the signs that say: You are done, Jen!
Just those Change Mat forms and payment for that and I am…

DONE. SETTLED and RELIEVED.
yeah!

Lost.

Yeah. I knew. It's been a long time since I last updated my blog. But like I've said it, I was LOST for awhile.

Honestly, I've been preoccupied with lots of things. I've been busy and before I knew it, classes are opening tomorrow and my blog was left outdated. Sheesh

However, I promise that I'll post regularly again and include what the hell happened for the past days.
Deal.

I miss you, Mommy, Aki and Yuji. Things aren't the same without you guys.
Cool Gang, another school year will start tomorrow and I wish for a happier bod among us.
UP, here I come-- stronger and tougher. Ready for your hassles.

Rewind.

May 25
Happy Birthday, Anna!!

Happy 18th birthday to my dearest friend who has always been there all through out.First day of college classes. Traumatic Math experiences. Isaw and pizza feasting. Endless walkathons. 1s and almost 3 grades. Ikot and Toki jeepney rides. Parents blues. Boy problems. My entire UP life.

Now that you are 18, I wish for nothing but may you achieve your heart s greatest desires.May you always be happy because you deserve to be.
I am always here for you, Gandhi.Cheers for forever friendship.
I love you!

May 30
Where's the damn good in goodbye?

The saddest word is still goodbye.
Nothing could be more painful than saying goodbye to people you love the most -especially when you dont want to.

My mother and I s situation isnt new to me. It has been like that for so long. What? 17 years. She will come home to visit with my brother and sister for two weeks or so and they will be gone again. All my life I just dealt with that kind of process. Like I have a choice, right? I mean, that is reality.

However, time came when I realized that it has been too long that we are together the on and off style. It came to me that Im so sick from being away from my family and there is nothing that I wanted more than to be with them. Yes, I wanted my mother and siblings on my side. For good this time.

This is a major decision—knowing that there are sacrifices to be done here and there and it is gonna be a big change. But I never seem to mind. Like I have said, Im ready. It is time.

But what the heck. I cant fully understand why things cant work out our way. How come we cant be together today? How come I have to wait again?

It broke my heart that my Mom still had to go. It broke my heart to be away from her again and my siblings when I practically attached my self to them. It broke my heart that I had hopes that are just wasted.

At first I felt like giving up. Who would want to wait in vain? Parati na lang ganon. I dont want to hold on to something temporary. I almost close the doors. I almost end everything.
My mother, on the other hand became miserable. Who wouldnt be when you see that your daughter is actually slipping away from you? She is actually incapable of thinking what the right thing to do. We werent speaking for days. We were actually refusing to face the sickening truth—we have to say goodbye.

I thought I could just get over with it. But I was wrong. I may have been stubborn for a while but I cant stand to see my Mom pained.

I guess I just love her and my siblings so much that, Im still the one who will end up letting go. It has been one of the most difficult things I have done. I thanked God, my relatives and friends for helping me do that decision.

So, here I am, bound to be left alone again.
Though I dont want to, Perhaps I need to.

There are things that sometimes you think that you will never do,But at the end you must do because you love.